Sometimes feelings are more crucible than cradle. And I am in the midst of the flames, even now. 

What shall I say then, that I would rather feel nothing? Certainly, not! It’s merely that I don’t want to feel too much.

Like too much love… seriously, I think I’m crazy sometimes. How I spend so much time thinking about you during the day. I even have full conversations with you in my head. My imagination runs with what you might say about something. Or how I would tell you another thing just to see your reaction. It’s not just love though, because how can anyone have too much love, right? It’s love’s longing. The longing that love has, that without its fulfillment leaves the lover never satisfied, completely empty, and therefore terribly lonely. 

Or how about too much fear. I’m afraid that I’m going to lose myself in you. I’ve found I’ve lost so much already, part of which I am happy to let go of and other parts I parted with painfully in compromise. Still, I wonder what else of me will be lost should you think/feel/believe differently than I, and I, out of a sense of submission or genuine love, will simply secede to your way of it. There’s also the fear that you’ll get the worst of me, and I mean that, the very worst. In my present state, this is the worst I’ve ever been emotionally, mentally, and perhaps even spiritually…in my mind the best is behind me and I could not know if things will get better. 

Then again there’s too much hope…for hope is certainly a feeling. One I have felt often. Hope screams within me, like a child trying to wake itself from a nightmare. Or like a friend whispering a secret in a  crowded room, and I can barely catch the words. All at once it’s telling me that old things can be made new, and that what presently is, isn’t what will always be. It practically begs me to keep moving forward and not relent. It constantly pushes me down the narrow and hard path when too often my eyes dreamingly gaze over at the shorter trail that looks smooth to my weary traveler’s feet. 

Too much feeling and not enough faith. Not that I am faithless, for certainly faith is the only thing anchoring me at all in this stormy season. I simply wish I could tip the scales back in the other direction. More faith, less feelings. But how shall I manage that?…Only God knows, for only He can work this out in me.